People make such a big deal of a New Year. They make resolutions, promise fresh starts, they imagine everything suddenly falling into place.
Those people are fucking delusional and I wish I could be as oblivious to reality as that.
I haven't written for a while, as honestly I've been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and I haven't known just what to say, nor what not to say. I think I needed a few weeks over the Christmas and New Year period to figure out what the fuck was happening in my life, how to process it, how to handle everything. Did I accomplish any of that? I fucking wish.
My periods of depression have been sporadic and uncontrollable lately. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm sobbing profusely for no reason. One moment I'm thinking I look okay, the next I'm taunting myself in the mirror, seeing nothing but the disgusting, fat pig that I used to be and believe I still am. One moment I'm thinking I've kicked this disease, the next I'm regretting not taking my life in October. I know - I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't do a lot of things, but that's depression for you. I'm not in control of these thoughts and that is the hardest pill to swallow.
The only things that have kept me going recently are music and friends. I've been trying my best to surround myself with people I care about and that care about me. It isn't always easy to find those people, but when you do, hold on to them. Let them know they mean a lot to you and be there for them as you would want them to be there for you. The more time I spend with friends, the more I see that I CAN get through this. I think. I hope. It's when I'm back home and alone that the slump hits.
My heart is still hurting from so many things last year and I don't know how or when I'll get over that, but I have my fingers crossed I'll get over it, and I have my fingers crossed I'll hear from the psychiatrists I was supposed to hear from two months ago. Two months is a long time to wait when you're not sure you even want to live another two months.
- Chris
