No More

No more lies
No more hurt
No more tears
Over you

No more suffering
No more woes
No more lying
Under you

No more doubt
No more deception
No more manipulation
From you

No more sleepless nights
No more cold goodbyes
No more 'I love you's'
To you

This is the last poem I'll write about you
The last lie I'll take from you
The last tear I'll cry for you
I am over you.

I am over you.

Closing The GL Chapter

Yesterday was pretty fucking hard.

Anyone that has read 'Letting Him Go: Saying Goodbye To GL' knows that this mysterious GL, the brooding, 'intelligent' teacher, put me through the wringer and more in the almost two years that I've known him. His lies, erratic behaviour and broken promises have haunted me for so long, and as much as he had tried to deny it, he was a major catalyst in my depression, body dysmorphia and anorexia spiralling out of control.

Yesterday, I willingly met someone else that had been hurt by him, someone I had lied to on behalf of GL and I regret covering up for him immensely.

Teach Me

Teacher
Teach me
Teach me how you think
I'm wrong because I'll occasionally drink?
I'm not OK because I have fetishes?
Don't you too?
Don't you love to screw...
With me?
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Sexually?
I'm everything yet nothing
I'm all you want me to be
Yet nothing when it comes to it
Just a lingering kiss
A tingle on the lips
A scent I rememeber
A tear that became a friend
A message that cannot be unsent
A heart that cannot un-break
Despite what Braxton may say
Your lies upon lies
Like shit luring flies
Was bound to come out
Did you really have a doubt?
That words would be said?
To figure out your head?
What's going on in there?
I really shouldn't care
But I do
Tell me, who hurt you?
Who made you this way?
Who brought you to the brink
And told you it was okay?
It's not okay.
I would never,
He would never,
Treat you that way.
Chest ripped open
Heart on display
Complicating lives
Just so that you feel okay
So you feel wanted
To distract from your decay
So teacher,
Teach me.
What happened to you?
And what can I do
To try to get through to you?

Forever Goodbye

In the darkest hour of the night
I think of you
My mind racing
Remembering all that you said
Every word that you uttered
Every look that you gave
Every touch that I felt
But now those days are gone
And darkness surrounds
The shattered pieces of my heart
Shards of glass are all that remain
In my empty frame
I miss your laughter
And I miss the way you made me smile
The way you made me feel worthwhile
Like I was worth your time
But I was just a distraction
A short lived infatuation
And with no rhyme or reason
I was left behind
And though I've tried to abandon you too
I just can't escape you
I wouldn't want to
I keep thinking that I can change you
That my love could rearrange you
But it's deftly clear
That I have no place in your heart
That I have no glow in your eyes
That I'm not on your mind
That my voice doesn't ring in your ear
That you'll never be right here
That I'm not worth your time
I guess it's time to say 'Goodbye'
Forever, Goodbye.

Submissive - Poem

I'm on my knees
I'm begging you
But underneath
I'm telling you
You dominate
But I control
The things I want
You make them so
If my eyes stream
I want them to
Bite my lip
I'm commanding you
Call me 'bitch'
It makes me strong
Your hand on my neck
Making me throb
If I look up
You look so proud
Eyes of delusion
Thinking that you're crowned
But if I'm your slave
Then I own you
You and your meat
The submissive is you.

Opening Up

Sometimes it's hard to be honest. We fear people's response to us - will they accept me for who I am? Will they question why, who, where, when? Will they mock me? It's something I've struggled with my whole life - certain aspects, wants and desires under the surface that I fear revealing far and wide.

But why should I be scared? If I can't have confidence in myself and the things that form me then how can I expect anyone else to have confidence in me? So I made a bold decision, at least to me anyway, and began advertising some of my interests openly on Twitter. I'm not going to hide myself for anyone. I've spent long enough bending for other people and it's gotten me nowhere, so I'm going to be me.

And it's working. Great opportunities have come into my life since expressing my true self. Things are blossoming well and are coming to fruition. Where they'll go? Who can be sure, but it's a journey I look forward to taking on a road I've long dreamed of travelling.

I am the key to my future, nobody else, and that is true freedom.

All I Want - Poem

All I want is to feel you inside of me
All I want is for your hands to set fire to me
All I want is our bodies synchronising
All I want is our hearts intertwining

All I want is your lips brushing mine
All I want are your eyes to get lost inside
All I want is your skin caressing me
All I want are your fingers undressing me

All I want is your breath on my neck
All I want is one night we won't forget
All I want is to taste you, feel you, hear you
All I want is for after, to hear "I'll miss you"

All I want is for you to kiss these tears
All I want is that lust I've lacked for years
All I want us for you to be right here
All I want is you. Are you out there? Are you anywhere?

The Sea - Poem

I look toward the burning sun
And wonder where my life went wrong
When did it go dark?
Where did I lose my spark?
Was it the heartbreak I encountered?
Or the abuse that has been showered?
Was it the hands that once held mine leaving?
Is it the fact my heart's still beating?
Eyes wide open but I feel blindness
Friends around but I just hear silence
Was it his eyes that always engrossed me?
Could it be his arms that once enveloped me?
Was it my parents who taught me I'm wrong?
Is it their words that haunted me all along?
Is it the skin that I cannot change?
Perhaps the teeth I want rearranged?
The nose that I wish was smaller?
The fact I dream of being taller?
My organs that are declining?
My God, I can't stop whining!
My pessimism repulses me
But spewing self-hatred compulses me
So someone please enlighten me
On why the sea is beckoning me
To wash away every problem that I see
It's calling to me
Calling to me...

Fly Away - Poem

I don't know what you're looking for
But I know it's not me
You say you've moved on
I hope that makes you happy.

You say I'm attractive
Clearly not enough for you
You once said nothing would go wrong
Like a fool I believed you.

You chose a different path
You just forgot to tell me
Now I'm lost, alone without a map
And you refuse to help me.

I don't know what you're looking for
But now I know it's not me
You're free, fly away into the sun
I hope he makes you happy.

Why Don't You See Me? - Poem

Why don't you see me
Like I've seen you?
I don't need those three words
I just need a sign from you.

Why don't you touch me
Like I've touched you?
Your hands were so soft
Now I have claw marks from you.

Why don't you absorb me
Like I've absorbed you?
Pulsating inside me
My blood rushing for you.

Why don't you see me
Like you used to do?
Your actions make me believe
That I mean nothing to you.

Why don't I see me
Like you see you?
Because I think with my heart
A heart that still beats for you.

Letting Him Go: Saying Goodbye

Last year I met someone. Somebody that in a few months managed to turn my world around, made me question everything that I thought I knew of my life, and for the first time in a long time, made me feel good about myself.

He was smart, funny and distinctly handsome, so I couldn't believe it when he wanted to meet me for coffee. It took a few weeks to arrange, but eventually we did and I was glad to have met a new friend. It was a complicated situation. I was married and he was in a long-term relationship - I know, I should have known better. 

Teacher - A Rough, Imperfect Poem

I didn't ask to know him,

He came into my life by chance.

The teacher with the deep eyes,

I drowned in them so fast.

We clicked almost immediately,

His touch making me shiver.

I trusted him, confided in him,
For months he made me shimmer.

His attention made me glow,
His kisses made me explode.

For the first time in forever,
I felt wanted, not alone.

He understood me, or so I thought,

His trembling lips making me weak.

He told me he wanted me, he needed me,
And with those words I was complete.

But I wasn't enough for him,

My attention gave his confidence a rise.
And while I was at home thinking of him,
Another man was falling into those eyes.

Suddenly, he was gone,
I wasn't his 'handsome' any more.
Everything we had was ironically the past,
The history teacher and I were no more.

It's so easy to deny what we had,
When you're happy with somebody else.
So I'm left here, drowning in these feelings,
Feelings I didn't ask for, but you taught me so well.

You taught me that I wasn't good enough.
You taught me that I trust too easily.
You taught me that I shouldn't open up.
You taught me that everyone I care for leaves me.

Wake Me Up - A Random, Bullshit Poem

Wake me up when things go right
Wake me up when money isn't tight
Wake me up when dreams come true
Wake me up when he says 'I love you'

Wake me up when my trust isn't broken
Wake me up when only truths are spoken
Wake me up when my heart is repaired
Wake me up when my vision's not impaired

Wake me up when my fear is gone
Wake me up when I can trust someone 
Wake me up when the sun shines brightly 
Wake me up when there's no darkness inside of me 

Wake me up when freedom is truly free
Wake me up when I learn to love me
Wake me up when I can no longer cry
Wake me up when it's time to finally die.

New Year, Same Pain

People make such a big deal of a New Year. They make resolutions, promise fresh starts, they imagine everything suddenly falling into place.

Those people are fucking delusional and I wish I could be as oblivious to reality as that.

I haven't written for a while, as honestly I've been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and I haven't known just what to say, nor what not to say. I think I needed a few weeks over the Christmas and New Year period to figure out what the fuck was happening in my life, how to process it, how to handle everything. Did I accomplish any of that? I fucking wish.

My periods of depression have been sporadic and uncontrollable lately. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm sobbing profusely for no reason. One moment I'm thinking I look okay, the next I'm taunting myself in the mirror, seeing nothing but the disgusting, fat pig that I used to be and believe I still am. One moment I'm thinking I've kicked this disease, the next I'm regretting not taking my life in October. I know - I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't do a lot of things, but that's depression for you. I'm not in control of these thoughts and that is the hardest pill to swallow.

The only things that have kept me going recently are music and friends. I've been trying my best to surround myself with people I care about and that care about me. It isn't always easy to find those people, but when you do, hold on to them. Let them know they mean a lot to you and be there for them as you would want them to be there for you. The more time I spend with friends, the more I see that I CAN get through this. I think. I hope. It's when I'm back home and alone that the slump hits.

My heart is still hurting from so many things last year and I don't know how or when I'll get over that,  but I have my fingers crossed I'll get over it, and I have my fingers crossed I'll hear from the psychiatrists I was supposed to hear from two months ago. Two months is a long time to wait when you're not sure you even want to live another two months.

- Chris