The Sea - Poem

I look toward the burning sun
And wonder where my life went wrong
When did it go dark?
Where did I lose my spark?
Was it the heartbreak I encountered?
Or the abuse that has been showered?
Was it the hands that once held mine leaving?
Is it the fact my heart's still beating?
Eyes wide open but I feel blindness
Friends around but I just hear silence
Was it his eyes that always engrossed me?
Could it be his arms that once enveloped me?
Was it my parents who taught me I'm wrong?
Is it their words that haunted me all along?
Is it the skin that I cannot change?
Perhaps the teeth I want rearranged?
The nose that I wish was smaller?
The fact I dream of being taller?
My organs that are declining?
My God, I can't stop whining!
My pessimism repulses me
But spewing self-hatred compulses me
So someone please enlighten me
On why the sea is beckoning me
To wash away every problem that I see
It's calling to me
Calling to me...

Fly Away - Poem

I don't know what you're looking for
But I know it's not me
You say you've moved on
I hope that makes you happy.

You say I'm attractive
Clearly not enough for you
You once said nothing would go wrong
Like a fool I believed you.

You chose a different path
You just forgot to tell me
Now I'm lost, alone without a map
And you refuse to help me.

I don't know what you're looking for
But now I know it's not me
You're free, fly away into the sun
I hope he makes you happy.

Why Don't You See Me? - Poem

Why don't you see me
Like I've seen you?
I don't need those three words
I just need a sign from you.

Why don't you touch me
Like I've touched you?
Your hands were so soft
Now I have claw marks from you.

Why don't you absorb me
Like I've absorbed you?
Pulsating inside me
My blood rushing for you.

Why don't you see me
Like you used to do?
Your actions make me believe
That I mean nothing to you.

Why don't I see me
Like you see you?
Because I think with my heart
A heart that still beats for you.

Letting Him Go: Saying Goodbye

Last year I met someone. Somebody that in a few months managed to turn my world around, made me question everything that I thought I knew of my life, and for the first time in a long time, made me feel good about myself.

He was smart, funny and distinctly handsome, so I couldn't believe it when he wanted to meet me for coffee. It took a few weeks to arrange, but eventually we did and I was glad to have met a new friend. It was a complicated situation. I was married and he was in a long-term relationship - I know, I should have known better. 

Teacher - A Rough, Imperfect Poem

I didn't ask to know him,

He came into my life by chance.

The teacher with the deep eyes,

I drowned in them so fast.

We clicked almost immediately,

His touch making me shiver.

I trusted him, confided in him,
For months he made me shimmer.

His attention made me glow,
His kisses made me explode.

For the first time in forever,
I felt wanted, not alone.

He understood me, or so I thought,

His trembling lips making me weak.

He told me he wanted me, he needed me,
And with those words I was complete.

But I wasn't enough for him,

My attention gave his confidence a rise.
And while I was at home thinking of him,
Another man was falling into those eyes.

Suddenly, he was gone,
I wasn't his 'handsome' any more.
Everything we had was ironically the past,
The history teacher and I were no more.

It's so easy to deny what we had,
When you're happy with somebody else.
So I'm left here, drowning in these feelings,
Feelings I didn't ask for, but you taught me so well.

You taught me that I wasn't good enough.
You taught me that I trust too easily.
You taught me that I shouldn't open up.
You taught me that everyone I care for leaves me.

Wake Me Up - A Random, Bullshit Poem

Wake me up when things go right
Wake me up when money isn't tight
Wake me up when dreams come true
Wake me up when he says 'I love you'

Wake me up when my trust isn't broken
Wake me up when only truths are spoken
Wake me up when my heart is repaired
Wake me up when my vision's not impaired

Wake me up when my fear is gone
Wake me up when I can trust someone 
Wake me up when the sun shines brightly 
Wake me up when there's no darkness inside of me 

Wake me up when freedom is truly free
Wake me up when I learn to love me
Wake me up when I can no longer cry
Wake me up when it's time to finally die.

New Year, Same Pain

People make such a big deal of a New Year. They make resolutions, promise fresh starts, they imagine everything suddenly falling into place.

Those people are fucking delusional and I wish I could be as oblivious to reality as that.

I haven't written for a while, as honestly I've been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and I haven't known just what to say, nor what not to say. I think I needed a few weeks over the Christmas and New Year period to figure out what the fuck was happening in my life, how to process it, how to handle everything. Did I accomplish any of that? I fucking wish.

My periods of depression have been sporadic and uncontrollable lately. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm sobbing profusely for no reason. One moment I'm thinking I look okay, the next I'm taunting myself in the mirror, seeing nothing but the disgusting, fat pig that I used to be and believe I still am. One moment I'm thinking I've kicked this disease, the next I'm regretting not taking my life in October. I know - I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't do a lot of things, but that's depression for you. I'm not in control of these thoughts and that is the hardest pill to swallow.

The only things that have kept me going recently are music and friends. I've been trying my best to surround myself with people I care about and that care about me. It isn't always easy to find those people, but when you do, hold on to them. Let them know they mean a lot to you and be there for them as you would want them to be there for you. The more time I spend with friends, the more I see that I CAN get through this. I think. I hope. It's when I'm back home and alone that the slump hits.

My heart is still hurting from so many things last year and I don't know how or when I'll get over that,  but I have my fingers crossed I'll get over it, and I have my fingers crossed I'll hear from the psychiatrists I was supposed to hear from two months ago. Two months is a long time to wait when you're not sure you even want to live another two months.

- Chris