The Sea - Poem

I look toward the burning sun
And wonder where my life went wrong
When did it go dark?
Where did I lose my spark?
Was it the heartbreak I encountered?
Or the abuse that has been showered?
Was it the hands that once held mine leaving?
Is it the fact my heart's still beating?
Eyes wide open but I feel blindness
Friends around but I just hear silence
Was it his eyes that always engrossed me?
Could it be his arms that once enveloped me?
Was it my parents who taught me I'm wrong?
Is it their words that haunted me all along?
Is it the skin that I cannot change?
Perhaps the teeth I want rearranged?
The nose that I wish was smaller?
The fact I dream of being taller?
My organs that are declining?
My God, I can't stop whining!
My pessimism repulses me
But spewing self-hatred compulses me
So someone please enlighten me
On why the sea is beckoning me
To wash away every problem that I see
It's calling to me
Calling to me...

Letting Him Go: Saying Goodbye

Last year I met someone. Somebody that in a few months managed to turn my world around, made me question everything that I thought I knew of my life, and for the first time in a long time, made me feel good about myself.

He was smart, funny and distinctly handsome, so I couldn't believe it when he wanted to meet me for coffee. It took a few weeks to arrange, but eventually we did and I was glad to have met a new friend. It was a complicated situation. I was married and he was in a long-term relationship - I know, I should have known better. 

Wake Me Up - A Random, Bullshit Poem

Wake me up when things go right
Wake me up when money isn't tight
Wake me up when dreams come true
Wake me up when he says 'I love you'

Wake me up when my trust isn't broken
Wake me up when only truths are spoken
Wake me up when my heart is repaired
Wake me up when my vision's not impaired

Wake me up when my fear is gone
Wake me up when I can trust someone 
Wake me up when the sun shines brightly 
Wake me up when there's no darkness inside of me 

Wake me up when freedom is truly free
Wake me up when I learn to love me
Wake me up when I can no longer cry
Wake me up when it's time to finally die.

New Year, Same Pain

People make such a big deal of a New Year. They make resolutions, promise fresh starts, they imagine everything suddenly falling into place.

Those people are fucking delusional and I wish I could be as oblivious to reality as that.

I haven't written for a while, as honestly I've been mentally, physically and emotionally drained and I haven't known just what to say, nor what not to say. I think I needed a few weeks over the Christmas and New Year period to figure out what the fuck was happening in my life, how to process it, how to handle everything. Did I accomplish any of that? I fucking wish.

My periods of depression have been sporadic and uncontrollable lately. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm sobbing profusely for no reason. One moment I'm thinking I look okay, the next I'm taunting myself in the mirror, seeing nothing but the disgusting, fat pig that I used to be and believe I still am. One moment I'm thinking I've kicked this disease, the next I'm regretting not taking my life in October. I know - I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't do a lot of things, but that's depression for you. I'm not in control of these thoughts and that is the hardest pill to swallow.

The only things that have kept me going recently are music and friends. I've been trying my best to surround myself with people I care about and that care about me. It isn't always easy to find those people, but when you do, hold on to them. Let them know they mean a lot to you and be there for them as you would want them to be there for you. The more time I spend with friends, the more I see that I CAN get through this. I think. I hope. It's when I'm back home and alone that the slump hits.

My heart is still hurting from so many things last year and I don't know how or when I'll get over that,  but I have my fingers crossed I'll get over it, and I have my fingers crossed I'll hear from the psychiatrists I was supposed to hear from two months ago. Two months is a long time to wait when you're not sure you even want to live another two months.

- Chris

Taking A Leap

The last few weeks have been complicated, to say the least. I haven't written much publicly, because it's hard to know what to say without it having a severe affect on other people.

Two weeks ago, I took the biggest leap of faith, something that I never thought I could do. Somehow I found the strength to take my life into my own hands and fight for what I believe in. Yet now, as I write this on a train headed to Munich airport, I am unsure of what lies ahead and whether I can pick myself up from this situation. I've grown strong in the last few weeks, but right now I feel weak, helpless and fearful. Fearful of what the future has in store for me; fearful of whether I am making a mistake; fearful of the rippling reactions that my action could cause.

Finding 'Cris' in Manchester

I was in Starbucks the other day when I saw this on my cup and took the photo. I don't know why, but it seemed pretty fitting right now for where I am in life. Who is Cris? Honestly, who is Chris?

I've been kind of silent for the past few days. My trip to Manchester has been the learning curve that I feel I've needed so far. It's had its really good moments and scarily dark moments, but in this current frame of mind I guess it's expected to have such polar opposite reactions.

Where Do I Go From Here?

"The battle's done and we 'kinda' won,
So we sound our vict'ry cheer,
Where do we go from here?...

Understand we'll go hand in hand,
But we'll walk alone in fear,
Where do we go from here?"
Buffy The Vampire Slayer Cast/ Joss Whedon "Where Do We Go From Here"

After I almost killed myself, I went pretty silent for a few days. I hid away and was contemplating a lot: Why didn't I do it? Why did I allow myself to get to the point of ending my life? Where do I go from here? Thoughts and questions spun around in my head as I tried to figure out what to do about this. I couldn't allow myself to get to that place again; That dark, haunted and all-consuming forest where I was being hunted down by myself.

Don't Look For The Answers

Sometimes we shouldn't go looking for answers, because we may just find what we were fearing.

Does he love me? Does he even think of me any more? Is he the person I thought he was? What exactly is he hiding?

Darkness All Around...

"The storyteller told me,
There's darkness all around us,
The darkness all around me said,
"It's not just in your head...""

Bic Runga Feat. Kody Neilson  "Darkness All Around Us"

I can't shake the negative thoughts today. As hard as I try, they just won't disappear. I can't focus on anything: television, music, reading - nothing. Everything reminds me of people, places and problems I'm facing. It's like they're haunting me, like darkness is surrounding me and I'm lost in it.

I booked train tickets the other night to leave London. Just temporarily, for a week to Manchester, but I almost wish it weren't...

Why I Didn't Kill Myself

Three weeks ago today I almost killed myself.

It's something I can't sugar-coat or tip-toe around. For my own sake and sanity I have to say this and then it's out there. then hopefully I can begin to heal from it.

In mid-July my mind suddenly became plagued with thoughts of suicide. Things haven't been perfect in any aspect of my life for a while, and a button just clicked inside me. Out of the blue I was seeing images of myself walking into the sea, until I was submerged, and not returning. I brushed it off at first, but over weeks they became more frequent, more vivid and more compelling. So much has happened and I hold so much hatred for myself, that something told me it was a simple solution. A way to let everything that I was harbouring just wash away into the waves, and I'd never bother anyone again.