Where Do I Go From Here?

"The battle's done and we 'kinda' won,
So we sound our vict'ry cheer,
Where do we go from here?...

Understand we'll go hand in hand,
But we'll walk alone in fear,
Where do we go from here?"
Buffy The Vampire Slayer Cast/ Joss Whedon "Where Do We Go From Here"

After I almost killed myself, I went pretty silent for a few days. I hid away and was contemplating a lot: Why didn't I do it? Why did I allow myself to get to the point of ending my life? Where do I go from here? Thoughts and questions spun around in my head as I tried to figure out what to do about this. I couldn't allow myself to get to that place again; That dark, haunted and all-consuming forest where I was being hunted down by myself.

Don't Look For The Answers

Sometimes we shouldn't go looking for answers, because we may just find what we were fearing.

Does he love me? Does he even think of me any more? Is he the person I thought he was? What exactly is he hiding?

Darkness All Around...

"The storyteller told me,
There's darkness all around us,
The darkness all around me said,
"It's not just in your head...""

Bic Runga Feat. Kody Neilson  "Darkness All Around Us"

I can't shake the negative thoughts today. As hard as I try, they just won't disappear. I can't focus on anything: television, music, reading - nothing. Everything reminds me of people, places and problems I'm facing. It's like they're haunting me, like darkness is surrounding me and I'm lost in it.

I booked train tickets the other night to leave London. Just temporarily, for a week to Manchester, but I almost wish it weren't...

How Did I Get Here?

"Why are you depressed?" "But how did you become depressed?"

I feel like these are the two most asked questions by people since I 'came out' with my depression. I never really thought after coming out as gay at sixteen, that I would ever have to 'out' myself as anything again, but here I am. They're both hugely difficult questions to answer - why are you not depressed? Why do you love the person that you do? Why do I not even truly know the answer to these questions?

Life veers us in strange directions, places we never thought we would be emotionally, physically, mentally. Even if we could pin point one thing that caused our current hurt and pain, there are so many other correlating instances and interactions throughout the years that build up and cause us to implode when we least expect it. ..