Teach Me

Teacher
Teach me
Teach me how you think
I'm wrong because I'll occasionally drink?
I'm not OK because I have fetishes?
Don't you too?
Don't you love to screw...
With me?
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Sexually?
I'm everything yet nothing
I'm all you want me to be
Yet nothing when it comes to it
Just a lingering kiss
A tingle on the lips
A scent I rememeber
A tear that became a friend
A message that cannot be unsent
A heart that cannot un-break
Despite what Braxton may say
Your lies upon lies
Like shit luring flies
Was bound to come out
Did you really have a doubt?
That words would be said?
To figure out your head?
What's going on in there?
I really shouldn't care
But I do
Tell me, who hurt you?
Who made you this way?
Who brought you to the brink
And told you it was okay?
It's not okay.
I would never,
He would never,
Treat you that way.
Chest ripped open
Heart on display
Complicating lives
Just so that you feel okay
So you feel wanted
To distract from your decay
So teacher,
Teach me.
What happened to you?
And what can I do
To try to get through to you?

Opening Up

Sometimes it's hard to be honest. We fear people's response to us - will they accept me for who I am? Will they question why, who, where, when? Will they mock me? It's something I've struggled with my whole life - certain aspects, wants and desires under the surface that I fear revealing far and wide.

But why should I be scared? If I can't have confidence in myself and the things that form me then how can I expect anyone else to have confidence in me? So I made a bold decision, at least to me anyway, and began advertising some of my interests openly on Twitter. I'm not going to hide myself for anyone. I've spent long enough bending for other people and it's gotten me nowhere, so I'm going to be me.

And it's working. Great opportunities have come into my life since expressing my true self. Things are blossoming well and are coming to fruition. Where they'll go? Who can be sure, but it's a journey I look forward to taking on a road I've long dreamed of travelling.

I am the key to my future, nobody else, and that is true freedom.

Where Do I Go From Here?

"The battle's done and we 'kinda' won,
So we sound our vict'ry cheer,
Where do we go from here?...

Understand we'll go hand in hand,
But we'll walk alone in fear,
Where do we go from here?"
Buffy The Vampire Slayer Cast/ Joss Whedon "Where Do We Go From Here"

After I almost killed myself, I went pretty silent for a few days. I hid away and was contemplating a lot: Why didn't I do it? Why did I allow myself to get to the point of ending my life? Where do I go from here? Thoughts and questions spun around in my head as I tried to figure out what to do about this. I couldn't allow myself to get to that place again; That dark, haunted and all-consuming forest where I was being hunted down by myself.

Don't Look For The Answers

Sometimes we shouldn't go looking for answers, because we may just find what we were fearing.

Does he love me? Does he even think of me any more? Is he the person I thought he was? What exactly is he hiding?

Darkness All Around...

"The storyteller told me,
There's darkness all around us,
The darkness all around me said,
"It's not just in your head...""

Bic Runga Feat. Kody Neilson  "Darkness All Around Us"

I can't shake the negative thoughts today. As hard as I try, they just won't disappear. I can't focus on anything: television, music, reading - nothing. Everything reminds me of people, places and problems I'm facing. It's like they're haunting me, like darkness is surrounding me and I'm lost in it.

I booked train tickets the other night to leave London. Just temporarily, for a week to Manchester, but I almost wish it weren't...