Three weeks ago today I almost killed myself.
It's something I can't sugar-coat or tip-toe around. For my own sake and sanity I have to say this and then it's out there. then hopefully I can begin to heal from it.
In mid-July my mind suddenly became plagued with thoughts of suicide. Things haven't been perfect in any aspect of my life for a while, and a button just clicked inside me. Out of the blue I was seeing images of myself walking into the sea, until I was submerged, and not returning. I brushed it off at first, but over weeks they became more frequent, more vivid and more compelling. So much has happened and I hold so much hatred for myself, that something told me it was a simple solution. A way to let everything that I was harbouring just wash away into the waves, and I'd never bother anyone again.
Luckily, I don't live near the sea, but over continued weeks and months, things started to develop. It wasn't just the sea. I was starting to feel this urge to drown myself whenever I took a bath, whenever I walked past a river or pond. It became all I could think about, and certain stresses in my life just caused it to get deeper and darker. I suddenly longed to be dead, A lifeless body with no cares any more. No fear of doing the wrong thing ever again. No fear of being a failure. Freedom at last.
Last month I hit rock bottom. Problems in my relationship had caused the little sleep I was having to disintegrate to nothing. I was crying every day and my stomach was, and still is, in constant pain, meaning my appetite ceased to exist entirely. While visiting my parents for a few days, I knew I was distant, and I could tell they knew I was too, but I couldn't say anything. I still can't.
During our last evening at my parents, I went to the bathroom, and there was a bath already filled with water. I was transfixed - to me it was a sign that this was the moment. I didn't have to worry about the ugly, disgusting, fat, unlovable person that I feel I am. I could be free. I have to be honest, the intricate details are a blur. I just remember hearing someone run up the stairs, and it snapped me out of it. I found myself on my knees by the bath, sobbing profusely, just hoping and praying that no one could hear me.
Again, the rest of the evening was a blur. I spent most of it, from what I remember, alone in my childhood bedroom, crying in the dark. How did my life get to this? How the fuck did I ever become this person? I never thought I would even consider suicide a few years ago, but now here I am, having almost succumb to it.
I was numb for a few days. Nothing penetrated my mind and I couldn't focus properly on things - to this day I still can't. Part of me was thankful I didn't go through with it, but another part of me was frustrated that I hadn't taken the opportunity. I spoke with a good friend that had struggled with depression and he helped me see that I needed to fight this. It took me a few days to muster the courage to finally book a doctors appointment, but I did, because as much as I want that feeling of freedom, I can't be exposed to the depths of that dark place again.
I laughed for the first time in a while the other night. A real, gutteral, belly aching laugh, and for that moment I forgot everything that had happened. It reminded me that I have to fight this however I can. As little as I think of myself, I'm worth more than this way out.
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