Taking A Leap

The last few weeks have been complicated, to say the least. I haven't written much publicly, because it's hard to know what to say without it having a severe affect on other people.

Two weeks ago, I took the biggest leap of faith, something that I never thought I could do. Somehow I found the strength to take my life into my own hands and fight for what I believe in. Yet now, as I write this on a train headed to Munich airport, I am unsure of what lies ahead and whether I can pick myself up from this situation. I've grown strong in the last few weeks, but right now I feel weak, helpless and fearful. Fearful of what the future has in store for me; fearful of whether I am making a mistake; fearful of the rippling reactions that my action could cause.

Finding 'Cris' in Manchester

I was in Starbucks the other day when I saw this on my cup and took the photo. I don't know why, but it seemed pretty fitting right now for where I am in life. Who is Cris? Honestly, who is Chris?

I've been kind of silent for the past few days. My trip to Manchester has been the learning curve that I feel I've needed so far. It's had its really good moments and scarily dark moments, but in this current frame of mind I guess it's expected to have such polar opposite reactions.

Where Do I Go From Here?

"The battle's done and we 'kinda' won,
So we sound our vict'ry cheer,
Where do we go from here?...

Understand we'll go hand in hand,
But we'll walk alone in fear,
Where do we go from here?"
Buffy The Vampire Slayer Cast/ Joss Whedon "Where Do We Go From Here"

After I almost killed myself, I went pretty silent for a few days. I hid away and was contemplating a lot: Why didn't I do it? Why did I allow myself to get to the point of ending my life? Where do I go from here? Thoughts and questions spun around in my head as I tried to figure out what to do about this. I couldn't allow myself to get to that place again; That dark, haunted and all-consuming forest where I was being hunted down by myself.

Don't Look For The Answers

Sometimes we shouldn't go looking for answers, because we may just find what we were fearing.

Does he love me? Does he even think of me any more? Is he the person I thought he was? What exactly is he hiding?

Darkness All Around...

"The storyteller told me,
There's darkness all around us,
The darkness all around me said,
"It's not just in your head...""

Bic Runga Feat. Kody Neilson  "Darkness All Around Us"

I can't shake the negative thoughts today. As hard as I try, they just won't disappear. I can't focus on anything: television, music, reading - nothing. Everything reminds me of people, places and problems I'm facing. It's like they're haunting me, like darkness is surrounding me and I'm lost in it.

I booked train tickets the other night to leave London. Just temporarily, for a week to Manchester, but I almost wish it weren't...

Why I Didn't Kill Myself

Three weeks ago today I almost killed myself.

It's something I can't sugar-coat or tip-toe around. For my own sake and sanity I have to say this and then it's out there. then hopefully I can begin to heal from it.

In mid-July my mind suddenly became plagued with thoughts of suicide. Things haven't been perfect in any aspect of my life for a while, and a button just clicked inside me. Out of the blue I was seeing images of myself walking into the sea, until I was submerged, and not returning. I brushed it off at first, but over weeks they became more frequent, more vivid and more compelling. So much has happened and I hold so much hatred for myself, that something told me it was a simple solution. A way to let everything that I was harbouring just wash away into the waves, and I'd never bother anyone again.

How Did I Get Here?

"Why are you depressed?" "But how did you become depressed?"

I feel like these are the two most asked questions by people since I 'came out' with my depression. I never really thought after coming out as gay at sixteen, that I would ever have to 'out' myself as anything again, but here I am. They're both hugely difficult questions to answer - why are you not depressed? Why do you love the person that you do? Why do I not even truly know the answer to these questions?

Life veers us in strange directions, places we never thought we would be emotionally, physically, mentally. Even if we could pin point one thing that caused our current hurt and pain, there are so many other correlating instances and interactions throughout the years that build up and cause us to implode when we least expect it. ..

Getting The D: What It Means, What It Doesn't

Hi. Hello. Bonjour. Hallo. Hola. Aloha.

I'd say 'Hello' in a few other languages, but it would probably be a waste of my time and yours. If you're reading this, you're either a friend, follower (see also: friend), stalker or have just fallen into the depths of the internet. In either case, thank you for reading this far, the fact anyone could be reading this right now means a lot to me. I won't keep you waiting for the money shot, so I'll just start off with it loud and clear: I have depression

Shocking considering the header image, no? </sarcasm>